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NOW WITH NEW MATERIAL FOR THE PAPERBACK EDITION
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” —Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1850
“How do I hate thee? How much time do you have?” —Joan Rivers, today, about two-ish
Joan Rivers, comedienne, actress, jewelry monger, and an award-winning international star (she can sneer in eight different languages) lives by the golden rule: Do unto others before they do unto you—and for God’s sakes, do it funny! Her career in comedy may have begun with self-loathing, but, after looking at the decrepitude around her, she figured, “Why stop here when there are so many other things to hate?” With all of her experiences, Joan has looked down at, turned away from, and thrown up over a lot of hateful things, deplorable places, and despicable people. Thank God she took notes.
Here—uncensored and uninhibited—Joan says exactly what’s on her mind…And HER mind is a terrible thing to waste. She proudly kicks the crap out of ugly children, dating rituals, funerals, and lousy restaurants. She nails First Ladies, closet cases, and hypocrites to the wall. She shows no mercy towards doctors and feminists, and even goes after Anne Frank and Stephen Hawking. Joan lets everyone—including herself—have it in this one hundred percent honest and unabashedly hilarious love letter to the hater in all of us.
This is absolute Joan Rivers. You gotta love her. Even if she hates you.
Includes new material!
- Sales Rank: #79059 in Books
- Published on: 2013-04-02
- Released on: 2013-04-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .60" w x 5.10" l, .60 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 272 pages
Review
“…more punch lines per paragraph than any book I’ve read in years.” —The New York Times
"She holds nothing back." —The Washington Post
“Often hilarious, often shocking, totally politically incorrect.”—Liz Smith
“An entertaining rant…The only thing missing is the sound of a drumroll and cymbals to feel as though one is sitting in a nightclub watching a live comedy marathon…A raucous, biting look at life.”—Kirkus Reviews
“Nobody, but nobody, can hate like Joan Rivers. It is a gift. It is also shocking, the things she makes us laugh at…Joan Rivers is extraordinary, but she's not for the easily offended—or for anyone who gets offended at all. ”—People
About the Author
Comedienne, Emmy Award–winning TV host, Tony-nominated actress and CEO, JOAN RIVERS is an icon of American culture. She is a bestselling author, Celebrity Apprentice winner, writer, producer, director, and savvy businesswoman who has overcome great odds to reinvent herself time and time again. Joan hosts E! Network’s popular series Fashion Police, and stars with her daughter, Melissa, in their own weekly reality show, Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best? on WEtv Network. Her critically acclaimed documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work premiered in theaters nationwide and is available on DVD. Rivers also performs her trademark stand-up comedy act in front of sold-out audiences in the U.S. and abroad. Amongst all of her success, Joan’s most joyous triumph is being a mother and grandmother. She resides in New York and Los Angeles with her three rescue dogs.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives. And then, at the very end of the show, there’s a thirty second human-interest story about some schmuck who married his cat. I rest my case.
Some things I’ve hated forever, some are new acquisitions, and some are just passing fancies. Today I hate happy TV weathermen, feminists who believe Gloria Steinem’s great looks hurt her, Gloria Steinem herself, people who mispronounce the word ask, studio apartments, guidance counselors, first ladies, old people. So if any of this offends you, or you happen to love puppies and kittens and the infirm . . . well . . . I’m impressed. I hate you, but I’m impressed . . .
I know what you’re thinking: “Joan, hate is a very strong word.” You’re right, it is, but I use it as an umbrella term, the way mental-health professionals use the word schizophrenia as a catchall for any particular brand of crazy they can’t identify. So when I say hate, I don’t necessarily mean hate. I could also mean loathe, detest, abhor, dislike, despise or resent. See, isn’t that kinder and gentler? If you think this makes you a better person than I am, good. You’re the idiot that actually paid for this book.
For those of you thinking, Geez, Joan seems a little angry, you’re half right. I am angry. I’m also fed up. I’m fed up with the morons and losers and cretins who are cluttering up the planet. Emma Lazarus wrote, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” I didn’t know she meant on my block. But being fed up and angry is better than being depressed. Psychologists tell us that depression is just anger turned inward, but I say, why waste your time? It is what it is and quite frankly I’d rather be angry than depressed. Why? Because antidepressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin and Zoloft can cause bloating—and I hate bloating!!! (I need to go back and add bloating to the list of things I hate. Is there anything worse than not being able to fit into a size two Valentino? I think not. Talk about depressing.)
Most helpful customer reviews
156 of 167 people found the following review helpful.
An AWFUL little book, but I can't help myself
By Penny Thoughtful
This is an AWFUL little book that is so offensive I ought to throw it right out the window...but I can't, because I can't stop laughing. Just the line about why chocolate doesn't count as decadent had me...well, I don't want this review to be censored, so I'll stop. Just read the book and you'll see what I mean!
Four stars instead of five because I'm afraid giving it five will get me sent straight to hell when I die. You understand, don't you, Joan?
67 of 72 people found the following review helpful.
Only thing missing is the rim shot!
By Chaya
This isn't so much a book as a series of one liners from one of the funniest stand-up comedians ever. I've loved Joan River's humor since her early appearances on Johnny Carson, and this book reads like vintage Joan! I laughed so hard, I scared the cat out of bed and usually the only thing that can do that is a needed trip to the litter box or (if I'm lucky) coughing up a hair ball.
Nothing is sacred, everything is a target for her quick wit. If you are easily offended, skip this book. If you like old-fashioned stand-up, click that "buy" button now - it's like a trip back to the Borscht Belt.
89 of 98 people found the following review helpful.
"A Book Only Joan Can Write"
By Terrance Richard
You have to give Joan Rivers credit for coming up with a smart and intelligent title to her latest book" I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me". The content is pretty simple...Joan hates everything and everyone and is not shy when it comes to writing about it. Everyone from the sappy weather man to people having babies to movie stars and holy rollers, Joan says it like no one else can. The book is simply a hilarious take on today's pop culture and is written as a funny, yet, perverse appoach, on what is wrong with the world.
I cannot think of any other entertainer who would have the guts to write this, but Joan Rivers does and I applaud her for it. Believe me you will not sit down with this book and say, "boring", because nothing Joan does or writes about is boring. The subtext to this book is to let your feelings out and don't repress them. Once you express your opinions you will feel better and happy, even if those opinions may not please most people, but do you think Joan really cares what others think?
Ahhhhhh, if I could be more like my Joan.
A++. One of the funniest books I have read!
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